The Yoga Pants Dish!

I wrote this play for YogaCity NYC’s publisher, Brette Popper — to celebrate her birthday and show the changing climate of yoga. When you see the phrase, The Yoga News, know what I mean . . .

Setting: The market place of The Yoga News conference at the Midtown Hilton. Three pairs of yoga pants hang from their racks and talk to each other across the booths. Twinkly soft music plays, and the pants preen and pose in front of passing strangers.

Characters: Trend Pants representing trend prints, Thai Designs suggesting older-school styles and Heaven Organics spun from wheat germ.

***

Trend Pants: I’m so bored, I just ate my third yogurt parfait and am busting at the seams. One more bakasana for me, and I’m going to explode.

Thai Designs: Speak for yourself. I’ve got plenty of room in the middle to breath. If you weren’t so narcissistic, you wouldn’t have to hold everything in.

Heaven Organics: You actually ate the yogurt? You know that stuff is pumped full of hormones. If you don’t grow an 11th toe, consider yourself lucky.

Trend Pants: Both of you are so pant-sist toward the new guy. You’re just mad because my sales are mad hot and you’re both so #tbt.

Thai Designs: Oh yeah, Trend Pants. You’re privileged. Everyone knows that the only reason your shiny buns are here is because you’re endorsed by Rodney Wee. Rumor has it, the millennials prefer Tara Miles, who has 160,000 viewers on Facebook Live. Name one thing Rodney Wee has done lately. He’s so 1993. OMG, speak of the yogi, here comes Rodney right now. Over here, Mr. Wee. I have your first video on VHS. I loved your dharma talk about defying depression with yoga. I follow you on Insta!

Trend Pants: So much for loyalty, Thai Designs. You’ve been trashing the yoga elders all weekend. Now you want to be Rodney Wee’s bff. You don’t even know him. He’s super chill. He can see right through your pants and your lack of satya. They watch him walk by. Trend pants tries to give Rodney Wee an imaginary high five, but he keeps on going.

Thai Designs: Hey, it’s hard out there. People don’t want to pay $100 for culturally

appropriated fashion. There was a time when Yoga News conferences were my main source of income. I could walk out of here with thousands of dollars. Now, no one even wants a selfie with me.

Heaven Organics: Or environmentally gentle clothing. There's enough of us out there to build a stretchy wall. Considering who’s in the White House, we should all be scared of next year’s conference.

Trend Pants: Whooa! Hey, pants. Don’t you know this is the last year? These conferences aren’t cool any more. Now it’s festivals, but do not talk about that Bahamas Disaster. All the clothes got stolen before the first sexy, sunny highline savasana. Good thing you don’t need real friends anymore. Your mentors can all be on the computer. By next year, people won’t leave their apartments. They won’t even need pants.

Did you see what’s in your goody bag?

Heaven Organics: I saw.

Thai Designs: I was so hoping it was a joke.

Trend Pants: I don’t think so, pants. The writing is on the handstand wall. This year’s Yoga News conference features these. Holds up a box of active-wear adult diapers and shakes them. Face it, pants, our pelvic floors are not getting any younger. Might as well stuff your faces, get too fat for your news feeds and wait for the end.

Thai Organics: I’ll Om to that. Where’s that parfait guy?

Heaven Organics: Hey, pants. That’s no way to talk. Yoga has never been more important to the universe. Enya music begins. So we’re a little wrinkly. So we’re a little past-tense. We’re still valuable. What would happen if we walked right out of this swanky Manhattan hotel, just went past the Yoga News staff and kept going?

Trend Pants: Going where?

Thai Organic: Into the beyond.

The pants stare into space, suddenly holding hands. Enya gets louder.

All: They’d miss us! Pause. What are we waiting for? They walk off into the audience breaking into ballroom dance steps.

by Ann Votaw

#stories #opinion