Why The Abused Don't Speak Up
We all need to belong. For yoga practitioners, the community we choose based on our preferred yoga style, studio, and teacher, informs our friendships. When someone is molested, sexually harassed, or touched inappropriately by a leading figure of their yoga community, the consequences of a confrontation, legal or otherwise, can be devastating.
Just like survivors of childhood sexual abuse often lose their families, and may be disinherited, adult victims of sexual improprieties in the yoga community stand to lose their chosen family. They may suffer financial loss if their teaching style is trademarked. It always takes courage to speak up about abuse, because the loss is real, and healing the wounds is slow, difficult, and often lonely.
In absolute shock, I rolled to sitting and found found myself staring across the room at Sharath, Jois’s grandson, who stared back looking just as horrified as I felt.
Pattabhi Jois remonstrated: “Bad lady!” and I heard the mild laughter of the crowd at the guru’s old joke. In disbelief, I crouched to find his eyes. He smiled as if he had no idea what had transpired, and said:
“You no come out of pose.”
I sensed that if I were to respond in public, he would have experienced the humiliation he'd just made me feel. He would be angry, send me off. I thought I might be banned from my community that had come to feel like home. I was confused, felt helpless, and held my tongue.
Sri Krishna Pattabhi Jois was born in 1915. He came from a patriarchical culture, a poor orthodox family at a time in which natural bodily functions were considered dirty. Sexuality was taboo, physical and sexual abuse of children prolific, and misogyny taken for granted. Self-hating women unthinkingly unleashed scorn and frustrations from countless injustices onto their broods, the only ones over whom they had power, perpetuating the secret legacy of worthlessness that is at the crux of the dominator paradigm. Not much has changed.
I was born in 1963, in Belgium. At the age of six I was sold into a pedophile network, mentioned in the aftermath of the pedophile scandal that rocked Europe in 1996, when Marc Dutroux was arrested in connection to child murders. The rapes and violence I endured were all gender-based. In 1974, at age eleven, I was rescued from the network by an insider and given precise survival instructions, which included moving to New York. Following these instructions enabled me to spend my adult life in the context of healing, a privilege rarely enjoyed for people with a background as extreme as mine. Ashtanga yoga was part of that healing, and I came to see the journey of healing in the context of the
Raja yoga path.
A few days after the incident, after early morning practice, I got in the customary long line of students who were given audience with their guru. When it was my turn, I asked, in his own broken English to better make myself understood:
“Guruji, why you no respect women?”
“I no understand! I no understand!” He cried out.
“In this country, it is against the law to touch women on their genitals or their buttocks. It is against the law!” I stressed.
“Okay, tomorrow I no touch!” he sneered.
And that was that.
The next morning, we sped through the fastest ever led primary class. Jois was in quite a bad mood and didn’t adjust anyone. I had told a friend about my private conversation with the teacher the previous day and we were full of glee. Throughout the practice, the more annoyed Jois sounded, the more we laughed.
Worldly power is often a shield warding off the sense of worthlessness and shame resulting from humiliations in childhood. Poke that shield and you get childishness.
I experienced plenty of humiliation in childhood, observing men of power—heads of state, businessmen, and aristocrats—sink to the lowest depths, all for a fix of their power addiction. Every rape came with an invisible package of feelings, which the abusers needed to exorcise and put into me. I would feel dirty, guilty, cheap, ashamed, worthless, and so on. Having to finely attune myself to these men for my survival, I got a firsthand look into their psyches, often had visions of their own abused child self, which called on me, the victim, in this most twisted way, to relieve them of their suffering.
Part of my trauma consisted of being physically injured. I had been stabbed in the backs of my knees and tortured. Ashtanga yoga proved the perfect physical therapy. The practice replicates various physical forms in which I was placed, or made to take on during the rapes. Other poses trigger a variety of mental states I entered during the abuse. In the past, my body would go into freeze mode, relaxing to survive. My spirit was often completely dissociated from the body, and I observed details in the surroundings I would have never been able to see with the naked eye. I grew up without body consciousness below the ribcage, the ribcage itself permanently extended from holding my breath, in fear. With Ashtanga yoga, practiced Mysore style at my own pace, I found a way to remain present, to assuage fears, and heal the body. Lucas, six years old.
The fear would come; the physical or emotional pain would come,
and I would listen.
I never had a yoga teacher who intuited what I was dealing with, especially Jois. The assists and suggestions I received in the few weeks during the New York workshops created no "aha" moments, or deeper understanding. I'm aware that many did receive this from Jois, and I respect it, though I remain skeptical. When we blindly trust an authority figure, we give away credit for what we do right, and accept blame for what they do wrong.
Trauma is described as helplessness in the face of an overwhelming, life-threatening event. The groping happened so abruptly that my fear was very short lived. But knowing there was no hope for an apology, no place for my anger in the ashtanga community, no support to take the issue before a court, left me feeling helpless.
I never loved Jois. I’d just met the man and was never confused about his intention. Others, who are drawn into a situation with a teacher and sustain sexual harassment or rape over sometimes prolonged periods, when such a person eventually finds the courage to take action, they are further victimized as the community turns a blind eye to the guru, and is scapegoated (assigned labels that belong with the perpetrator: greedy, angry, unstable, etc.)
Lucas in 2009. Scars on right leg are from childhood injuries.
The dehumanization I'd experienced during the groping, and the community's passivity afterwards, affected my sense of self-worth. I was back in the prison of my childhood situation, believing that somehow, I must deserve it.
And I think that was the point. All abuse of power is essentially a rejection of feelings too painful for the perpetrator. Each insult, each trespass helps him see the fear of these negative qualities outside of himself, once again proving that he is not the worthless one.